My "Ideal" Life

I've had a lot of changes in my life in a short period of time.  My oldest daughter started driving, I went back to work parttime after 16 years home with my girls, my girls are both teenagers, the college search has started, Kiley adopted a wild mustang from the BLM and is training her (more on that in a future post), Makenna started high school and now plays water polo for the high school.........  I must admit, when the girls were younger, I couldn't hathom what this stage would be like and I dreaded the thought of it. Just the thought of two teenage daughters would get my heart racing.  Now that I'm here, it's nothing like I thought it would be and even though life is often chaotic, I love it!

With this "new life," I've been thinking a lot about the future and what lies ahead for John and me.  Some ideas we've pondered are moving out of Claremont after Makenna graduates high school and  leaving California after John retires.  At some point, we'd like to experience owning horse property.  It sure would be nice to have the barn animals on our own property.  If we had the ability to determine our future, we'd buy some horse property in Texas, build a home and have the girls nearby to raise their families. 

My life history is like the old saying, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans."  In reality, I know that nothing I could dream up could ever compare to the life God has planned for me.  As Jeremiah 29:11 says,

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

 The other day, I started thinking, if I could choose any life for myself and my family, what would it be?  For my girls, that is simple.  I want them to graduate college and anything else after that, is fine with me, as long as they are fulfilled and happy.  I have one big stipulation on that though, I desire them to love and serve the Lord with everything in them.  If they put the Lord first in their lives, all other things will fall into place.  I know many people desire for their kids to be rich and famous, or at least rich.  Most people want that for themselves too.  I'm actually not one of them.  I'm content to have just enough money to live an "average" life and enough extra to fund projects that advance the Kingdom of Heaven.  For John, I desire for medicine to advance and heal him of his pain.  However, if God uses that pain to keep John focused on Him, much like the thorn in the Apostle Paul's flesh, then I know we both agree that the pain remains. 

When it comes to pondering how we'd live out our lives, it doesn't take a lot of thought, I already know.  I'd love to run a horse ranch that helps people, young and old, to recover from their limitations, whether physical or mental.  I've always known God's going to use the sexual abuse in my past to help others.  Our horses and other animals have been wonderful therapy for me and I want that for others.  When I think about my daughter and her horses, I know that she could never be the bright, confident young woman she is now without her horses.  Research equine therapy online and you will find horses are the best therapy for kids with autism, wounded soldiers or those with PTSD and so much more.  There's something about horses that are pure therapy to the soul. 

Now, if I could take this a step further and really "pick" my future, my family would be running this horse ranch in Africa.  As many of you know, my visit to Kenya in 2011 changed my life and a piece of my heart has been there ever since that visit. My heart desires to go back each day of my life. The beauty of the land and the people, the need for healing and to better know Christ and the simplicity of life are among the many reasons I yearn to return. I want John and the girls to experience the joy I felt while serving in Kenya. Until/if God calls me back to Kenya, I pray that He would use me right where I'm at to advance His Kingdom. Whether that's here in So Cal, Texas, Africa, somewhere else or a combination of any of those destinations, my desire if to grow in Him and serve Him with unceasing faithfulness. My life is constantly growing and changing and I seek for my family to keep Christ as our focus wherever He takes us. 

Help Me See Beyond Myself

It's natural to want to hear the physical voice of God while needing guidance.  A banner in the sky would be helpful too.  When I pray for direction or God's will for my life, I often struggle with deciphering what is my will and what is God's will because, let's face it, the two are rarely the same.

I have sensed for nearly a year now that I'm not living in the will of God, but I've been praying and working on aligning my life with His will.  Let me clarify that I'm not engaging in anything sinful, I just know He has something planned for me and I need to get myself aligned with Him.  I recently started a Bible reading plan of reading through the Bible in chronological order.  This morning I was reading from Genesis 17 about Abraham laughing at God when God told him he and Sarah would have a son at their old age.  I realized Abraham was so preoccupied with the world's reality that he couldn't see beyond himself and that God is capable of anything.  That's my problem too!  I can't see beyond myself and my capabilities to see God is working on the details that are impossible for me to accomplish without God.  Then, I caught myself wishing God would send an angel to speak to me the way He did many times in the Bible.  Once again, I realized I was looking at my own capabilities and not God's capabilities.  He's been speaking to me all week through other people.

Last weekend, I had a minor meltdown telling John I just don't know where God is leading me.  He's made it clear to me that He has a plan and small details of that plan, but I just can't figure out what I need to be doing.  I know for certain He wants to use the circumstances of my past to help others, but how?  John told me what he felt God was saying and it was exactly what I had been thinking.  I still couldn't figure out how that was going to lead me to what I felt He eventually has planned for me, though.  John told me that I don't need to know the details.  I just need to trust that God will give me direction when I need it.  Now here's where I'm reminded of God's sense of humor, the next day, John was talking to a friend and they asked him if I've ever considered.......... (I'm not ready to share yet)?  I think God's saying, "Do you hear Me now?"

So, once again, as I'm reading from Genesis this morning, God whispers to me that I need to see beyond myself and trust Him that He will lead me when I quit relying on myself.  He will reveal His plans one step at a time.  

Hello, my Name is "Guilt"

There's a Christian song that plays on The Message a lot by Matthew West titled, "Hello, My Name Is."  Throughout the beginning of the song, West introduces himself by several names, including "Regret" and "Defeat." The song goes on to talk about how those names we give ourselves are lies that we've carried with us from our sinful past,  but we no longer need to carry our sin because it died on the cross with our Savior. The song then states, " Hello, my name is child of the One true King." 

If I could pick one name for the sin that keeps peeking itself up in my life, it would be "Guilt." As I've stated in previous posts, I try not to live with regret, for my life would not be what it is today without the choices I've made and the circumstances of my past. Certainly, I would NOT want to relive some of the difficult times and trauma of my past, but they lead me to be the Christ Follower I am today. There is one sin, however, that loves to peek it's head up in my conscience and that's Guilt. 

I can make myself feel guilty about many things! I fill myself with questions provoking that feeling of guilt. Am I good enough wife and mother? Would they love me more if I never left them for coffee with a friend or to get my hair done? Do my kids feel they can talk to me about anything? Would they be more open with me if I spilled my heart out with all of my mistakes? Was I a good representative of Christ at work? At the party? With my friends? The questions could go on forever. 

Lately, I've tormented myself with guilt because after 16 years of being a full time mother, I've started working again part time. I'm only at work while they're at school, but I still feel guilty wondering if it makes me more tired or stressed or if I'm not getting all their needs met because I'm busy working. My wonderful husband reminds me that they've already had me home all of their lives and I'm still here for them all the time. Still, the sin of guilt is close in my thoughts. 

Guilt is definitely not a Fruit of the Spirit and it can definitely be a sin. It's not my reality, rather it's what the enemy wants me to believe is my reality. Guilt CAN be a helpful signal to ourselves that whatever sin we're engaged in is wrong and it's time to change, confess, forgive, etc. For example, a while back, God pointed out something in my life that was leaving me with feelings of guilt. The issue wasn't a bid deal, but it was enough of an issue that it left me feeling guilty. God used that guilt to redirect my behavior. 

I am so thankful that, like the song says, "I am a child of the One true King." Christ's death on the cross wiped my sins clean. I don't need to live with guilt, I've been redeemed. The only regret in my life should be used by God to redirect my attention to Christ. 

Blessed, Not Abandoned

I'm so sappy when it comes to pets and videos put to music, so it was no surprise that I was so touched by a recent video I saw of an abandoned, injured dog being rescued, treated and placed in a loving home.  As I was watching the video, it occurred to me how much we are like this injured dog.  Please take the few minutes to watch the video before you read on.

 

 

http://www.godvine.com/Terrified-and-Injured-Dog-is-Saved-Just-in-Time-by-Heroes-4529.html

 

As Christians, we don't always feel God's presence even though He is ALWAYS with us.  When hard times come, it's easy to feel abandoned by God.  Much like the dog in the video, usually that abandoned feeling accompanies some sort of pain in life, like a job layoff, a major illness, a loss of a loved one, etc.  Yet, the Bible is clear, we are never alone.  Joshua 1:9 says, "Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  Yet, we feel as though we're alone and the world is out to harm us.  Just like the dog in the video, we feel injured and abandoned.  Like the men in the video trying to capture the dog, we don't recognize that God desires to help us.  All we see is the world coming down on us and we're too busy trying to flee the mess we're in that we don't recognize that God desires to help us.  Just as the dog has to get a dart in the side, be chased and get medical treatment, God pursues us to rescue us.  In the end of the video, we see the happy results for the dog.  We see the dog getting love and attention, a forever home, something far from the place he was at before, wandering alone in pain.  We, too, have to experience hardship before we can be "captured" by the blessings God has for us.  If the dog had submitted to his "captors" in the beginning, he would have saved himself the extra days of wandering lonely and abandoned.  He would have made it into the loving arms of his new owners quicker.  We, too, can save ourselves grief if we'd just surrender ourselves to God during those times we feel abandoned.  It's important that we remember that God uses ALL things for His glory.  God is waiting with arms wide open, waiting for us to fall into His loving arms.  The time we spend in hardship will build our character and bring us closer to God.  Surrender to Him daily and save yourself the grief of wandering alone and relying on yourself.

From Makenna's Foot to God's Voice

Spring and Summer of 2013 can be summed up in the words, "water polo."  Our lives were completely dominated by the sport.  Makenna was on the "14u Red" team for her club.  For most of you, I just spoke a foreign language.  "14u" means 13 and 14 year old girls and "red" represents the best players in that age group (when there are enough players to make multiple teams, "red" are the top players, "black" are the next best and "white" usually represents newer players).  With such a great team, the club entered the team in a lot of tournaments.  So many tournaments, in fact, that usually 3 out of 4 weekends were spent at the pool for games.  Not all the tournaments were local either, we traveled EVERYWHERE! Summer also brought the two practices a day schedule with swim conditioning in the morning and 3 hours of water polo practice in the evening as the girls prepared to qualify, then compete in the Jr. Olympics.  Needless to say, we spent a lot of time with the families on her team.  It's always been my desire that wherever God puts me in life, I want to be a representation of Him.  With the competitiveness of the sport and my own competitive spirit, let's just say I wasn't always the best representation of Christ.  I'm human, and therefor a sinner, so naturally I made mistakes.  What bothered me though was that I became complacent with who I was becoming as a competitive "water polo mom."  Because of the politics of sports, it's easy to become wrapped up in the drama that competitive sports can bring.  As much as I wanted to avoid it because of my faith, it became easy for me to get wrapped up in all the rumors and gossip, much of it as a result of INTENSE rivalry from some other teams.

Everything changed in August though.  Jr. Olympics were held the first week of August (Makenna's team took 6th in the nation, not as well as had been anticipated, but great nonetheless!) then just a few days later, Makenna had foot surgery.  She had already spent a summer in a cast in 2011 trying to avoid surgery, but now we didn't have much choice.  The surgery, although painful, brought 5 months of much needed rest as she recovered and couldn't play water polo.  It's unfortunate that it took surgery to slow us down, but God always uses every circumstance to shape and mold us and bring about good. Our family got to enjoy dinners together in the evening, there was no running off to practice before John was even home from work.  We actually got to spend weekends doing family things instead of traveling for tournaments.  It was a much a needed break after a chaotic six months!

It was during this time, though, that God really spoke to me.  With just a crazy schedule instead of an insanely crazy schedule, I was able to focus on quiet time with God and allowing Him to work through me.  Although difficult at times, God made clear to me changes He wanted me to make in my life.  Through His strength, I was able to let go of some bitterness I had been carrying around for five years brought about by hurt.  He began to reveal to me some opportunities He was going to open up for me.  Largely, He began to change my attitude.  I wasn't liking the person I was becoming, so wrapped up in competitiveness, that I failed to see the bigger picture and just enjoy life.  I was so focused on Makenna becoming the best water polo player, that I started to lose the joy of watching her play.  Through the years, with Makenna on swim team and then water polo, I had observed parents turn into vultures, doing anything they could to get their kid to the top, no matter who they hurt trying to get there.  I also saw the impact it had on their children and people around them.  Friends became barriers to their child getting ahead and yelling at their kids for even the smallest mistakes.  The impact on the kids became evident as kids began to fear disappointing their parents that they quit playing as a team and began playing for the applause of their parents.  Even the kids would turn malicious in their words to each other and in their game play.  I watched kids that once loved their sport, begin to lose their love for the game because they were so wrapped up in gaining the glory of being the best.  Although I never reached that level of "craziness" I did begin to see myself headed in that direction.  The five month break allowed me to pause and decide if that's the person I really wanted to become in life.  Being competitive can be a great quality, but if  it consumes you, it slowly can begin to destroy you, changing you into a person that doesn't honor God and represent Him.  It also robs your child of the main reason they play a sport, because they love the game!  Of course you want to win, but if winning becomes your idol, you'll worship it above God and strong moral character.

If there's one thing I learned during the past five months, it's that it's time to go in reverse and return to the supportive parent Makenna needs and the representative of Christ that God desires me to be.  More importantly, God has convicted me to make some changes.  It doesn't matter if what I'm doing is a sin or not, if God convicts me and I don't listen, that's a sin.  What God requires of me might not be what He requires of another person, but if He requires it of me, not walking in obedience to His call is sinful.  I choose God.  His desires are more important than my own and ultimately lead to joy and fulfillment in life, and better yet, eternity with Him.

Last night, after five months, Makenna returned to the sport she loves, water polo.  It's a different team now as one of the youngest on her former team, almost all of the other players aged up and she didn't.  She has her first tournament this weekend and I've already noticed something that I like and probably wouldn't have appreciated before the surgery.  Although the players and parents want to win, they want to play well as a team and most of all, they want the girls to enjoy every moment, even if they lose.  This is a quality her first team had when she was on the 12u team and lead to her absolute LOVE of water polo.  Even if I see a change in the attitude of this team, I pray I can remain who God is molding me to be.

Attitude is Everything

Suffering is a part of life, it's unavoidable.  I, personally, believe "suffering" varies from person to person and what one person might deem "suffering," someone else may think is not.  Certainly, as we look back through history, there are many events in the world that most of us would label suffering: the Holocaust, slavery, Apartheid, war, the list goes on.  However, something happened last night that will forever change my attitude towards suffering.

John and I are part of a LifeGroup through our church.  It's basically a small group Bible Study that meets weekly.  We do life together, support each other in need and celebrate life together.  Last night during our study, the subject of suffering came up.  A male member of our group stated that he's never really felt like he's suffered much and that he's had a pretty good life.  Most of us in the group were surprised by his words and I finally spoke up and told him I was amazed by his response.  Let me fill you in a little bit about this man that will explain our surprise by his words.  He was born with a genetic disease that caused his legs to be twisted and unfunctionable.  At a very young age, both of his legs had to be amputated and he now walks with two prosthetic legs.  He and his wife had much trouble conceiving a child and through IVF, had a son five years ago.  Their son was born with the same genetic disease and in his five short years has had both legs amputated, open heart surgery and numerous other surgeries.  There were several times they nearly lost their son.  They have also been trying to adopt a child for several years.  Just two weeks ago, a young woman chose them to adopt her newborn daughter, but then changed her mind a few days after the baby was born.  From my point of view, this man has experienced some suffering in his life, but there he was, feeling blessed with a good life and with a firm belief that he has not suffered!

Someone else in our group spoke up and pointed out that his positive attitude is what keeps this man from suffering.  This man's life is a beautiful picture of how God can transform our hearts and minds to a positive attitude.  He certainly has a lot he could complain about, but he doesn't, instead his attitude is of goodness and gratefulness.  Truly, his attitude is everything!  He doesn't dwell on what he's lost or doesn't have, instead he focuses on all the good God has done in his life and counts it all as blessings.

The Apostle Paul is also a great example of attitude.  Paul certainly experienced a lot of suffering by the world's standards.  In 2 Corinthians, Paul lists many of the hardships he experienced: stoning, imprisonment, ship wrecked and so much more.  Yet, instead of complaining, he boasts in the name of the Lord for God has carried him through and used those circumstances to show the power of God's love. 

I, for one, have changed my attitude about suffering.  It's all in the attitude.  I can choose to "suffer" or I can chose to be grateful.  I choose gratefulness!

Gratitude

Twice now The Lord has sent me to a foreign land and I've seen with my eyes how little people have. Some might even say the living conditions are "barbaric." Yet, I still struggle with wanting more. It's easy for me to be filled with gratitude for all God has given me when I'm in a third world country where people have so little, but it's another thing to live in gratitude and contentment when I'm back home surrounded by such opulence.

I've been blessed in my life, never knowing what it's like to feel hunger because there is no food or to be cold because I don't have a roof over my head.  By American standards, my parents weren't rich, but they certainly did well and we lived in a beautiful home in a nice neighborhood.  Although it wasn't a luxury car, I received my own car from my parents when I started driving.  There were always plenty of presents under the tree at Christmas and birthday gifts and parties were never denied to me.  My parents were able to pay for my college without leaving me with school loans.  Once I was married and no longer under the support of my parents, I continued to live a life without need. 

"Need" is the key word!  I've never known what it's like to live in need, rather I've only lived in want.  In our society, there are constant reminders of what we don't have.  There's always better cars on the road, more glamorous houses than mine, designer handbags on the arms of other women and electronic devices much finer that what I own.  It's easy to forget all that I have and get caught up in what I don't have.  That's where I struggle with sin. 

Over the last few years, God has opened my eyes to this sin in my life.  I don't think wanting nice things is a sin in itself, in my life, it becomes a sin when I want so much more that it distracts me from keeping my eyes on God and finding contentment and joy in all He has provided.  I have seen the most faithful Christians fall because of money.  I've known people that drifted away from God once their finances improved.  I've watched them struggle with greed as they desire to attain more and more money.  It's a tough thing to watch a friend walk on the path of wanting more money, while walking further away from Christ. 

I pray praises of gratitude every day for all God has given me and I'm never too proud to think that at any moment, I could lose it all.  Although a difficult prayer to pray, I ask the Lord daily to never let me have so much money that I lose sight of Him and His plans for my life.  It truly is a difficult prayer as I can easily become distracted by all there is around me that I don't have.  When I keep my eyes on God, I'm never in need.  If a luxury car, a bigger house, a better wardrobe or the latest in electronics turn my worship to "stuff" and not God, then I don't want it!

I have so much to be grateful for in my life.  Besides the material possessions, I have a husband who loves me, amazing daughters and Christ, who shed His blood on a cross so that I can have eternal life with Him.  I need nothing more!